Juliette (2 months old) and Me
The decision to become a stay at home mom was not a very easy one to make. I had a lot of choices to weigh before the decision was made, it kind of lingered in the air and we didn’t actually make the decision until after Juliette was born, and it was a complete leap of faith. The pros far outweigh any cons that there may be in the job, but still I struggled, and still struggle, with the decision on an internal level. I’m only 3 and a half months in so far and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but there are lots of ups & downs.
You know the saying, “You are your own worst enemy”? Well, that’s me. I have never judged another stay at home mom, heck, my mom was a stay at home mom and I couldn’t be more thankful that in all my childhood memories she was there every day. When it comes to myself though, I had a lot of internal weight and baggage before making the decision. It doesn’t really make much sense because when I look at another mom who’s decided to stay at home I can’t help but think of how noble & beautiful their decision is, but going into it I was afraid I would be seen as lazy, inadequate, and giving up my independence. I had my first CNA job at seventeen, and worked up until my 9th month of pregnancy. The job is taxing, I worked hard every day taking care of people with Alzheimer’s mostly, but I had a few other care-giving jobs for people with other illnesses. Needless to say, I was used to having a boss, a job list & description, going to work & coming home to relax. It was routine, normal and had become my identity. Thinking of giving it up was both wonderful and terrifying. It’s terrifying to realize that you’re in you’re 20’s and never finished college, and will never have a culturally successful career. When you read magazines and look at media about other mothers, it’s the working mom who seems to be glorified. I’ve struggled with beating myself up over this even though everyone I know congratulates me and seems to think I’m making the best choice I possibly could and that I am lucky that I’m able to stay home. My hope is that eventually this will become my identity and the working days will be behind me, although never forgotten.
My expectations and the reality of it are quite different. Sometimes I feel as if I have no idea what i’m doing. It’s an odd thing not having a boss, nobody watching over me or making sure i’m doing things right. This is my household and the only one I answer to is my God. It’s weird not having a checklist or someone coming through and doing inspections to make sure everything is in order. I like to be told how things are supposed to be, it’s how i’m used to working. Now though, I feel like i’m winging it. I thought it would be so simple, I had a picture in my head of a 50’s housewife. Ironing my husbands work cloths, cooking dinner, keeping the house sparkling and happy and filled with guests and the happiest God fearing family. Ha. I suppose I must watch too much television? It’s bizarre to me that I could take care of a cottage full of 20 rough tumble Alzheimer’s patients with one other caregiver and a med-aide like a breeze, but when it comes to being a housewife/ stay at home mom, I have no idea how women do this and make it look so easy!
I certainly feel like I took my own mother for granted, raising me & my brothers. Thank you mom, I’m truly learning all you sacrificed for us.
When I search in my deepest heart of hearts, look past the inner dialogue and search for the bigger picture I see that it’s not about me in the least. It’s about my Juliette Rose. God’s asked me to give up my self for her and to lay down my life. Currently I have no car, no job, no real hobbies and feel like i’ve been humbled down into a little version of who I once was so that I can raise the most beautiful daughter. I think God is teaching me a big lesson here, a lesson that will last the next 18 years of my life. That it’s not about me. While God has taken away alot and asked me to do a big job that I had no previous training or experience for, He’s given me SOO much. My daughter, my hard working husband who provides for us, and the ability to make our house a home.
I couldn’t ask for anything more, and I’d give it all up a thousand times over.
littlekoenig 
It does feel overwhelming in the beginning. But, as you fall into your routine, adjusting to Micah’s new schedule, you will find yourself gradually planning outside the box of everyday. You will set the pace and priorities for each day of the week. You are now your own boss. You make the schedule. So don’t be hard on yourself. Becoming a mom forever changes your life and you will acclimate to what is a priority and what can wait. Enjoy motherhood and your gifting of being a stay at home mom! You are blessed!